WARNING: May contain naughty language.

Monday, August 1, 2016

10 Things I Learned Watching "Sharknado: The 4th Awakens"

For the past several years I've cleared my calendar in late July / early August to await the annual extravaganza which is Syfy's Sharknado. 

Combine the most talented actors of this century with cutting-edge special effects, a top-shelf script, touching dialogue, complex and subtle character interactions and add a swirling vortex of sharks and you may start to appreciate the spectacle which is SHARKNADO.

After watching the premiere last night, I found myself unable to sleep. I was too amped up from the 120 minutes of pure, unrefined awesome I'd just experienced. So I reflected upon the lessons learned from watching the movie.


#1: Sharknadoes DO occur, so best be prepared. Always have an industrial-strength chainsaw fueled and ready for action. A chainsaw is the ONLY thing which can save you in the event of such a disaster. 

#2: If a sharknado passes over a nuclear power plant, it gets upgraded to a NUKENADO and the sharks within will glow with radioactivity. Instead of just devouring you on the fly, they can explode like finned gamma ray bursts! Very dangerous!!!

#3: A sharknado passing over high-tension electrical wires will absorb the energy and transform into a LIGHTNINGNADO! (Google it - there is such a thing) Almost as dangerous as a NUKENADO (see #2 above), the maelstrom of large carnivorous fish will also discharge gigavolts of electrical energy below, electrocuting everything in its path. I know, right?!

#4: Despite being a Chicagoan for the past 16 years and never seeing them before, there are apparently a lot of palm trees along Michigan Avenue and Millennium Park. Not sure how I missed those...

#5: A blue whale will have no problems devouring a giant Great White Shark. The unfathomable strength of a sharknado is more than enough to keep the 120 foot long, 40 ton mammal in the air. In fact, during such an event, it is common for the sharks to eat each other in rapid succession like Russian nesting dolls.

#6: Cutting edge scientists of tomorrow will all wear Google Smart Glasses, use rubber bands and velcro to attach iPads to their forearms and have not one, but TWO Bluetooth earbuds. They will science the shit out of any problems we might face.

#7: Comcast is very subtle about their clever product placement ads. This includes Xfinity, NBC, Universal studios and myriad other holdings they own. As a corollary to this, when Comcast essentially owns the rights to every movie or TV show produced over the past decade, there is no shame (or legal problems) with plagiarizing (...that word just LOOKS wrong, doesn't it?) your own intellectual property.

#8: Ignore #1. The very best weapon one can use in the event of a sharknado is actually a mechanoid suit of powered battle armor, armed with not one, but TWO chainsaws affixed to where one's hands should be. Opposable digits are unnecessary in the event of a sharknado. But such suits are hard to find in an emergency...

#9: Fireworks are an effective method of nullifying a sharknado. Simply stuff the pyrotechnics in the barrel of a cannon (such as the kind frequently found on pirate ships), toss in a match, take aim and BOOOM! No more sharknado.

#10: Carrot Top is now an Uber driver in Vegas. Always wondered what happened to him...

Now I have another year of waiting to get my next fix. Oh, well. At least I recorded it on the DVR.

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